progress – Motherhood & Mindfulness

Hello Struggle, we meet again.

“Leave no stone unturned in your effort to support the needs of your children. Do whatever it takes to thrive and not just survive.”

I received these words of wisdom 3 years ago almost to the day.

I received these words about 15 months after our family had left everything behind and moved to India.

Embraced these words roughly 6 months after we abruptly aborted our overseas relocation to return to the US so our youngest child could receive cochlear implants. 3 months prior to hearing these words, the pandemic began.

I gripped these words like a boxer in the last round of a fight, after having water squirted down my throat in the midst of a final pep talk.

I needed water, encouragement and I needed it to be the “last” round.

Dramatic? A bit Much?

That’s OK if you think so. For me – no description could be more accurate.

Before receiving those words, I felt like a mom who was at the complete mercy of the world. That no matter what I did, or how hard I tried – I would never meet the needs of my children.

We returned to the US to get our son the reliable sound he needed in the wake of progressive hearing loss caused by Usher’s Syndrome.

We returned to the US, but not to our home. We bypassed our home in Florida to move in with my parents home so we could surround our family with an abundance of support. It was not just our youngest that had incredible needs to fill. Our middle child had just started taking medication for ADHD and was also struggling with undiagnosed Anxiety and Autism Spectrum Disorder. My husband, daughter and I were exhausted from the intense disregulation and unpredictable behaviors often associated with special needs. So with all of that AND with embarking upon something as involved as cochlear implant surgery…. well – this mama just needed her mama.

I am so grateful for the support and hospitality of my parents during that season. So much love and healing surrounded us in that time. However, the reality was that our lives just got turned upside down, 3 months prior to the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic with NO foreseeable access to cochlear implants.

So AFTER receiving those words of wisdom – “Leave no stone unturned in your effort to support the needs of your children and do whatever it takes to thrive and not just survive,” I felt EMPOWERED.

I was so tired of feeling helpless and despairing. I was delivered a call to action that I did not know I was hungry for or even capable of pursuing. Those words triggered a movement inside me.

We relocated back to the home we left when we moved overseas. Within 2 months of moving back, our youngest was in a therapeutic school for children with hearing loss and received his first cochlear implant. Our other two children were enrolled in school, extracurricular activities and reuniting with friends. Our middle son started receiving therapy and support from specialists to help manage and navigate his evolving needs as well.

And the drive to provide only grew from there.

The following school year we found a private Christian School located in close proximity to our youngest son’s therapeutic school. That way drop off and pick up were much more manageable. Because leaving no stone unturned so that our family can thrive involves making mom’s life more supported and more manageable too.

We applied for scholarships for the kids schooling, grants for their medical bills, underwent special insurance screenings and completed endless amounts of paperwork. We received nominations from special needs organizations, and anonymous gifts from watching friends and family all in the effort to help our family thrive.

And they started to. We all did.

Just because we were back in America did not make it seemless, trust me it was messy. It required a lot of trial and error. BUT….. there was a shift!

Jackson could hear. And talk. And understand. He had the best care team ever. From audiology, to vision, Speech, Listening and Spoken language, OT and Pre-K.

Garrett was making it through 3rd grade! It was touch and go at times behaviorally, but academics were a breeze. He was competing in recreational sports, supported immensely in a social skills group and feeling a sense of positive self-worth.

Our daughter was excelling in gymnastics and experiencing the most consistent form of schooling in years (having rotated between homeschool overseas, public school and “pandemic” school.)

My husband was making a positive impact at work and I was experiencing significant life-change in several areas of my personal development and growth. Areas that had been dormant for so long, such as in fitness and nutrition, employment (after a decade of being a stay at home mom) and other areas such as writing, coaching and public speaking.

I can’t believe I received those words of wisdom 3 years ago, almost to the day.

With all the life I just reviewed, it’s hard to confess that these past few months I have been struggling. Life somehow has felt almost as hard as those months living in a foreign country with 3 young children, 2 with unmet special needs.

My blog is meant to be a place where others can feel connection and encouragement. Where other moms like me might feel understood, known and seen. I strive to write from personal experiences laced with faith and belief that God is faithful, good and always with me. But lately it has been so hard to write.

My last blog was titled – when your mess is your message, but its still a mess. I haven’t written since… because the mess took over.

At the beginning of the school year we were in awe celebrating that our youngest was joining his older two siblings at their school as he was mainstreaming out of therapeutic school.

At the start of this year (2023) I even applied for my first full-time job since before my 11-year old daughter was born!

We felt a shift. We felt a new season approaching. We spoke about it with anticipation and excitement.

And then it returned. The struggle.

That all-encompassing feeling I know all to well. When the tension at home rises. Sibling fighting, hostility and tears abound on a daily basis. Phone calls from school increase. Threats of school dismissal become a reality. Medications that your child needs go on back-order. Grades fall. Unexpected financial strain. All the while, YOU Mama – just went back to work, and are blaming yourself for all of it.

And then,

Special needs child # 1 gets dismissed from school and now Mom and Dad are both working full-time while home-schooling the remainder of the year.

And then,

Special needs child # 2 gets his final warning and impending dismissal from school just a few weeks shy of the end of the year.

I tried to keep it together. Especially when I was at work at my new job, receiving phone calls that my son(s) are about to get kicked out of school. I tried to keep it together when attending the end of the year awards ceremony to support my daughter, but when they called my son’s name (who was at home awaiting a board review on if he could return) I couldn’t keep back the tears.

I tried to keep it together when I saw the Kindergarten graduation posts everyone shared, that we would not get to have, simultaneously wondering if he will even pass his Kindergarten Homeschool evaluation.

I tried to keep it together when my daughter sobbed after the end of the year ceremony when she exited the school to find me sitting on a bench with her two “dismissed” brothers who “everyone” was talking about and questioning her on.

That drive home from school I did not try to keep it together. I cried the entire 45-minute school commute home. A commute we chose for 2 years because it was one of those “stones” we turned over and committed to in order to set our kids up for success. That drive home, one interstate, 2 major toll roads and multiple others, I put on my glasses and just sobbed.

I cried because I knew WE tried. And when I say “WE” I mean ALL OF US. Jackson, Garrett, Gracelyn, My husband, Myself. All of their teachers and administrators, ALL of the ABA, occupational therapists, speech therapists, audiologists, specialists and doctors, WE ALL TRIED.

We left no stone unturned. And we saw them THRIVE.

It has been hard not to ask the question, after ALL that we’ve been through and all that we have worked so hard to accomplish for our children and family as a whole, why does it feel like we are back to square one?

Back to that marble apartment in India that amplified all noises elevating the shouting of our son with hearing loss and the yelling of our son battling anxiety. Where the noise level was so high and intense it felt like we were living life with a hostile action scene from a war movie playing on repeat in the background.

Back to the place of wondering if life will ever be calm.

I heard a quote once, “Roads were made for journeys, not destinations.” I love this because it reminds me NOT to fall into the illusion of “arriving” as if perfection or completion or complete wisdom is something that can be obtained on this side of heaven.

I believe, after years of unexpected heartache and celebration, we are ALWAYS on a journey, and we only seek to thrive along the way. Sometimes we will just survive. But we will not settle for that because we have tasted thriving. We know its possible. We will not give up hope.

So yea, – the past 3 months have been a STRUGGLE. Our mess is STILL our message, even though it is STILL a mess. And as much as my writings share stories of difficulty and God’s faithfuless, mercy and grace throughout, a lot of my blogs are written in reflection not in the midst.

And we are very much IN THE MIDST still. And God has comforted us and provided for us. We might be at a place where we are turning over stones and not finding anything yet. But I know that this season will pass. And I will never stop turning over stones and trusting in my Savior to be with me when it hurts, guide me through deep waters and lead me down the road HE has set before me.

I am comforted by scripture written so long ago yet feels as if it came from my very heart. And I am comforted in the truth that I am actually NOT enough. Therapy is NOT enough.There is no perfect school or state or home. But Jesus is and always will be MORE than enough.

Psalm 27:13 “Still I am certain to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. 14Wait patiently for the LORD; be strong and courageous.Wait patiently for the LORD!

In it’s fullness: 1The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— whom shall I dread? 2When the wicked came upon me to devour my flesh, my enemies and foes stumbled and fell. 3Though an army encamps around me, my heart will not fear; though a war breaks out against me, I will keep my trust. 4One thing I have asked of the LORD; this is what I desire: to dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and seek Him in His temple. 5For in the day of trouble He will hide me in His shelter; He will conceal me under the cover of His tent; He will set me high upon a rock. 6Then my head will be held high above my enemies around me. At His tabernacle I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD. 7Hear, O LORD, my voice when I call; be merciful and answer me. 8My heart said, “Seek His face.” Your face, O LORD, I will seek. 9Hide not Your face from me, nor turn away Your servant in anger. You have been my helper; do not leave me or forsake me, O God of my salvation.

Catch me doing good.

I had this miraculous moment the other day. That moment when everything you have been working on and everything your children have been working on collides into one beautiful, epic and effective conversation. It was an out of body experience to say the least. I felt like I was watching this interaction take place from above and I was witnessing all the parenting tools I have learned being utilized AND executed successfully. To make it even sweeter- it was all falling on receptive ears!

Not only was I witnessing this miracle, there were witnesses present!

In that moment, I could feel it in my entire being that I was actually doing something right. And afterward, I received one of the best compliments I’ve ever had! This most wonderful witness encouraged me that I had done a wonderful job handling my children in the midst of some unruly behaviors. And then she said, “It was as if you knew all the right things to say!”

Mic drop.

What?!

I could not believe my ears and laughed in disbelief and shock. I was also close to crying in gratitude for it’s not every (or any) day in motherhood that someone witnesses you getting it right, AND lets you know! So many emotions all at once! I quickly confessed that I could not take credit, but the years of intervention and therapy that my children and I have experienced for their various needs were to thank. But then again, I have always struggled to take any credit.

Don’t get me wrong- I want the credit! But I often struggle with feeling undeserving of praise, or even doubtful of it, as if it happened by accident or something. Simultaneously, I also believe that anything good that comes from me is because of Jesus! But like most human beings, I can’t help but hope that I am doing something right and if I am, someone will let me know!

Have you ever tangibly felt yourself trying SO hard to get it right? Trying so hard to get better? Maybe it was piano lessons or a sport when you were younger. Maybe it was cooking meals for your family, or sticking to a budget? Maybe it was not getting so angry, or having more patience?

How about your children? Have you ever watched them experience that moment of success! That monumental moment of potty training, or eating with silverware? Cleaning their room or writing their name? I’m sure the list of things that we ourselves and our children have worked at are endless. Some progress is easier to notice, and easier to celebrate. Some progress is less obvious because the number of fails overshadows any small glimmer of growth.

Me in total awe as Garrett hopped up onto the dentist’s chair, ready to go.

Early on when my son received his first of multiple diagnoses, the Dr. gave me this advice, “Catch him doing good.”

She knew that catching him making mistakes or wrong choices would be all too easy. She knew that the attention I’d have to give towards correction would dominate. She knew that as hard as he would have to work in areas such as speaking kindly, having patience and self-control, I would have to work at catching him when he did.

Depending on your personality, you may need to work on catching yourself doing well too! I would argue that the intrinsic motivation that results from experiencing yourself doing something well is way more powerful than the extrinsic motivation that comes from fear of making a mistake.

I can see it in my child’s eyes, they sparkle when I shout, “That was so great! I loved the way you used your words and asked for help!” Just as I am sure my eyes sparkled upon receiving the compliment from this sweet woman regarding my handling of some difficult behaviors.

What you can see- 3 kids playing a game. What you can’t see- mom jumping up and down in joy celebrating three kids playing a game TOGETHER.

One week later, in the same location, and with the same friends, those difficult behaviors were not received with the same patience, grace and effective communication. Instead I felt myself exhaling, “Guys, please just stop.”

I am not completely sure why I felt so different this time. So unable to respond with the same tools. Maybe it was less sleep, or the weight of other worries and to-do lists occupying my mental space, but I just couldn’t shift into that same mode of parenting that felt like such a major milestone the week prior.

And that is OK. Because even though I did not have a repeat of that same stellar performance, I remembered it.

I REMEMBERED it even in the midst of my impatient response to my children.

It came up in my brain simultaneously as I was about to lose my cool.

It became a new reference point for what I am capable of.

And instead of giving way to my less than ideal parenting, I recovered quickly and began moving once again in the direction of parenting the way that I had the week before.

It is the same with our children. When they take 5 steps forward and make it from mommy’s arms to daddy’s, and then the next time they fall after 3 steps, that is OK. And so it should also be OK when they show incredible self-control one day, and the next day, maybe not as much.

Personally, I had noticed that if my child had multiple successes in an area that he had been working on like keeping his hands to himself, but then reverted back to hitting his brother despite the progress he had been making, my heart would sink to the lie that he would never truly grow in this area. It was almost as if the behavioral “high” made the following behavioral “low” even lower. But it is easier for our minds and bodies to remember the negative than it is the positive. We have to work at mindfulness to retain every ounce of a positive experience. And if we do this, we can nurture the brain to remember our successes so much more and as a result develop a greater chance at repeating them!

Imagine that kind of impact in a child’s brain. For every time they are losing self-control, a memory of when they displayed self-control and were utterly praised for it would race to the surface as if to say to their “down-stairs brain”- “You got this! I saw you do it before! You felt it too, you can do it again!” Imagine getting to see their eyes sparkle more and more!

That time he asked for another soda and when we said no, he said, “OK.”

I am so grateful that this woman “caught” me doing something good. It inspired me to pay more attention. I want to catch my children doing good as often as possible, and celebrate it! I want to catch myself doing well and let myself feel good about it!

I want to spend less time soaking in their mistakes or my own, and more time embracing all that we are capable of. I think it is when we focus on these things that we truly create space for ourselves and others to continue to surprise us!

That is all, for today.

The things we say

Sometimes you catch words coming out of your mouth that you truly never could have guessed would pass your lips. For example, “You can’t have your ice cream until you finish your McDonald’s.” Or, “You will go to the beach and you WILL have fun!” Unfortunately, those sentences were delivered more than once while we were living in India and traveling through Indonesia. Getting the kids to eat Indian food at first was quite the struggle. So when we would find a familiar food item or restaurant, out of exhaustion and in need of a minute of life without constant battle (Parents of young kids- I know you feel me,) we would give them what we assumed was EXACTLY what they would want, only to find that there was STILL something off. Like, the cheese was different on the pizza, and there was no McDonald’s cheeseburger, only chicken.

When we left India for a forced 3-month exit, we assumed travel was the best option versus returning to the US. After a month in Thailand, where we had spent most of the time swimming in a pool or at beach, by the time we brought the kids to a beach in Bali, they were “beached out.”

In the hotel room, asking if they could relax in bed and watch TV instead of the beach!

That sounds ridiculous, when I say it out loud. But in reflection I can understand. Going to the beach after leaving the summer season of India was like literal water to our thirsty souls. We were in desperate need of being outside, in the fresh air. So we overplayed the beach like you did when you were young and you put your favorite new song on replay. It was tempting to perceive our kids were simply being “spoiled” and “ungrateful” with their whining and resisting of fast food/ the sea and sand. But sometimes our perspective on what they would enjoy isn’t always spot on.

First Day in Thailand after leaving India.

I recall these stories because something happened the other day that brought them back to the forefront of my mind as if it was yesterday and not almost 3 years ago.

I found myself saying something that felt almost as foreign as it was crossing my lips, simply because it was my first time saying it.

“Wow. I am so thankful for the Cochlear aqua gear.” Try saying cochlear aqua gear 5 times fast.

I’ve realized that living in a foreign country sometimes parallels the way it feels when you are simply walking through a foreign aspect of your life (like being the parent of a child with cochlear implants). The unexpected challenges catch you by surprise. Just like the things you assumed would be tasty and fun, were not- The things you thought would be an easy, just aren’t.

When the weekend comes, we are often looking for activities that our family can do that check a few boxes. Is it outside? Is it active? Is it something that all 3 kids would enjoy? Checking all 3 boxes is not easy. But when we heard about the upcoming church picnic and kids color run, I think we registered faster than we read the event details. So when we packed up our picnic lunch and I was checking to see if there was anything I forgot….BAM! “Oh wait- what about his “ears?” (Note: We call his implants his “ears.”) I messaged his audiologist and she said he could still participate but to make sure to use his “aqua gear” to protect his implants from the residual powder that was to be thrown on him while running.

The aqua gear are incredible. They allow him to wear his implants in the pool! However, they make for a very clunky, gawdy experience for him and they do not stay put with his level of activity in a pool. They frustrate him and he often chooses to remove them and simply go without sound. Sometimes this makes my heart sad. I think because it reminds me, even though they are amazing, his implants did not repair his hearing loss. Although, sometimes I think it makes me more sad than he actually is. He has just as much fun with them off sometimes! Maybe it’s because he is an excellent lip reader. Maybe I project how I feel too quickly. Once again- assuming that fast food restaurants, beach trip and color runs are sure-fire wins, when they might actually not be.

Post-Color run. Thank God he wore the aqua gear to cover his implants!

Likewise, being the parent of a child on the Autism spectrum, sometimes it’s just simply a Saturday that catches you by surprise. Here you are thinking you will sleep in a little (because it’s the weekend, right?) and that your family might enjoy an outing and a day off of schedules. Instead you wake up to find it’s going to be one of those “off days”- the ones that remind you your child has some extra struggles. To enhance the struggle, these “off” days always seem to come the day after a couple days that felt “normal” and “functional”…“thriving” even.

Garrett did NOT enjoy the powdered color!

But what’s my point?

Like always, I find solace in both rejoicing and lamenting, sharing my experiences with words and hopes of affirming not just myself but anyone else who might be reading this and longing for this kind of connection.

I bet all parents can relate to this thought, that a lot of days simply just do not turn out how you thought it would.

I remember back when we were newlyweds, dreaming about what values we wanted to instill in our children. Back when people asked how many kids we wanted to have and we would answer romantically, “five.”

And now….10 years later with 3 children, I can understand why those receiving our answer of “five” held the facial expressions and the muted responses that they did.

But just as important as it is to recognize the struggle and process those emotions so we can support one another better the next time around, the “great” days and moments need to be meditated on too.

Family walks….. 50% chance of success, am I right?

So on that note….the other night we were all sitting at the table eating dinner.

The end.

Just kidding! (Kind of.) Because to be honest, THAT sentence alone is a victory worth noting.

Because getting 2 boys with sensory issues, ADHD and Hearing Loss to sit at a table and have a functional dinner time meal is like getting a fish to NOT flop when it’s first out of water.

But lately…… we’ve not only been sitting together….. and eating…but talking too! Talking in a group conversation type style! You know the kind- where people take turns, and finish each other’s sentences, and connect!

Just lately, we have seen it. And it’s priceless.

Some days, you are taken aback, because your 6-year old cochlear implant wearer just told you in full sentences, “Will you go wait in line for me and ask for a velociraptor balloon animal- but if she can’t make that- will you get a monkey?”

I remember when he only had 30 words total that he could say.

Some days, your 8-year old, chooses to give his balloon animal to his 6-year old brother. EVEN THOUGH he obsessed and fixated on getting one, spending the majority of his time at the picnic event worrying about getting one, and almost had a full-on episode when pulled out of line…..

Some days you get to see your child grow. You get to see your child do something that was either SOO very difficult for them to do (but you know that they’ve worked hard on it in therapy) OR something you NEVER thought they’d be able to do! Because miracles DO happen, and walls DO come down and limits CAN BE surpassed.

And for the moms and dads out there who can relate- sometimes you get to encourage your own self because you have seen and felt that YOU TOO have experienced growth!

I remember the days when I worried if I would ever be able to NOT worry. I remember when my daily prayer was to not get mad or let my frustration with kids’ behaviors get the best of me. I remember when as a couple we grieved over if we would ever experience a social event where our family was functional, socially appropriate or without crisis.

I still sift through all of these thoughts, but I am anchored by experiences of success, muscle memory, thicker skin and above all else, an unshakeable faith in my Sovereign God. My God who sees all of my days, all of my weaknesses, all of my efforts, all that I carry, and all that I hold dear.

And because of that I GET to honor my son’s sacrifice of a ballon animal- even though there were a number of unfavorable behaviors that preceded….

I get to give myself a pat on the back when I chose patience and resisted the felt social expectations and judgements surrounding me and chose NOT to reprimand my kids, but instead walked them through a “do-over” so they could experience how things could have gone. So they could experience the possibilities of how life could be.

Because of God’s grace and mercy and the life experiences that HE has allowed me to endure, I understand better WHICH behaviors to place my mind and my heart on. I understand better how to handle the unexpected.

I am definitely, still flawed and dependent on Jesus and will be until Heaven. Thank God HE is with me every day until then. Because I know there will be many more moments of failed outings and wrong assumptions of what our children should think is fun and great and tasty.

But I look forward to more unexpected phrases like, “Thank God for the aqua gear.”

“That’s great… for you.”

I was in a parent workshop listening to a speaker talk on the subject of behavioral therapy for children. I could sense that there were parents in the room, like me, who were in the thick of the struggle. But there were also parents in the room who were on the other side.
The side where victory or freedom or hope lives.
During the talk, I had to frequently battle the voice in my head that said, “Your situation is more complex, your child’s’ struggles will never be fixed, you will never be on the other side.”
I hate that voice. I believe it to be the voice of the enemy. The “Father of lies” who wants us to remain trapped in discouragement, devoid of hope.
But I have become aware of it enough to prepare myself before attending these talks. I prepare myself by praying- “Lord help me hold every thought captive to you. Help me hear what is it you have for me today.”

Sometimes when I share about the program I am a coach for and how much breakthrough I personally have experienced in the areas of strength gain and reaching health and fitness goals, I imagine a person out there on the other end, receiving my message thinking- “That’s great that it worked for her, but it will never work for me.”

I can’t tell you how many times I have felt this way in so many areas of life.

It brought me back to the days of sleep training, breast-feeding and behavior training. The days when well-meaning mothers and friends would share how their child is sleeping through the night, or how their child could listen and obey right away, or 1-2-3 magic was the key. They were not to blame, but I often felt so discouraged.

But then I remember when I read the book Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child and applying those strategies literally changed the game for getting our firstborn to sleep through the night. But I hesitated sharing about that book because even though it worked for me, I didn’t want to frustrate someone else.

Because so many times had I sat around the table with other moms listening to their success stories thinking that’s awesome… For you… But it won’t work for me.

Flying solo with all 3. Wondering if things will ever be simple again haha.

I can even recall the days when I felt like shouting on the rooftops that prayer and turning to Jesus was the answer for those who were struggling and in pain, but I feared offending them.

How often do we see the success of others and think there has to be a reason that they were able to reach their goal, a reason that sets them apart from me, a reason that makes success more possible for them than it is for me?

How many times have we been told that we just need to try harder? How many times have we been told that we just need to believe it and speak it into existence? And how many times have we still NOT experienced victory?

If you have read my blog post “On the other side” or “Hope” I wrote it because it was a significant moment in my life when I could tangibly feel and see what it was like to be on the other side of a struggle.
Seeing Jackson’s progress with speech and language development ever since he received adequate hearing has provided me with the most profound experience of recognizing and celebrating growth, change and victory. But it was not even close to a quick fix to get there.

Jackson winning the sportsmanship medal!

In a lot of my blogs I talk about the blessing that suffering can bring. Trust me I do not enjoy suffering, in fact I used to avoid it at all cost. I would not make a move, make a decision, even consider taking a risk unless I knew that the probability of success was substantial.
It took me 10 years to get to a place of willingness to move overseas for fear of the struggle. But I have realized that it has been the struggle, the long-suffering, the day to day battle, that has made the awareness and ability to embrace being on the other side so sweet.

We cannot predict how quickly success can be achieved for others, but we can share our struggles and our wins in hopes of bringing others closer to being on the other side of their struggle.
Everyone’s struggle looks different and everyone’s victory looks different. In fact one mother may receive seven different methods for getting her child to sleep through the night before she applies it and it works. Does that mean the mothers before should not have shared?

One woman may try hundreds of diets or fitness programs before she reaches her health and fitness goals does that mean all of her previous efforts were in vain?

Which brings me to the question,
is it OK to share what has worked for you?
My belief- ABSOLUTELY.
If someone is grieving, I’m gonna pray for them.
If someone needs help with math- I will DIRECT them to someone who can (lol).

And if someone wants to improve their health and wellness, I can’t wait to share about the FASTer Way!